Pope Benedict is celebrating midnight mass at Saint Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, calling on everyone to remember the plight of abused and neglected children across the world / Reuters.
On CSI Miami, David Caruso can deliver a one-liner like nobody's business... as this brilliant video compilation very clearly shows. Watch him take off his glasses! Watch him put them on! And watch the drama enfold! YEEEEEAHHHHHH!
This video is so damned enjoyable, now I never have to endure another episode of the show! YEEEEEAHHHHHH!
Wow. That girl's really a fan of Vaseline. Comments (0)
Tickle Me Harder
Posted at 8:22:21 PM on October 11, 2006
In a time where even Saved By The Bell's annoying Screech has a "celebrity" sex tape, who's to be surprised that even Sesame Street stars have a seamy underbelly? In this case, a red furry one. The above video may be NSFW, as it contains naked Elmos in compromising positions. You've been warned.
I am not a fan of People Magazine unless I'm in the waiting room of a doctor's office. But nonetheless, I'm digging this little feature on stars before they were famous. Why? Because of the photo on the left. If that kid could eventually become George Clooney, then there are miracles on the Earth after all. Yay!
Petrica, a web-savvy Romanian cat, has declared Madonna to be the Antichrist on her blog. It's so refreshing to see a housepet who really takes a stand on things!
And for more international cat angst... the Netherlands brings us the Hitler cats. (I'm reminded of an old Far Side cartoon.) Cats are so stoic that it's kind of creepy... so I actually really want to see them do a "Hitler puppies" site. I'd just really, really like to see Hitler with his tongue hanging out as he's frantically gnawing on a chew toy. But maybe that's just me.
Please keep your snakes in their upright and locked positions
Posted at 1:16:37 PM on March 17, 2006
As the two people who read my previous post may recall, I'm all hot for Samuel J. Jackson. Fighting snakes. On a plane. And really, who wouldn't be?!? What are you, insane? That's just a formula for good entertainment if ya ask me.
And it looks like the official trailer for Snakes on a Plane is finally out on the internet! Seriously, if you've ever longed to see a CGI snake slither from a fat woman's cleavage? I'm telling you, this is the film for you!
Years ago I watched Harvey Fierstein in the musical version of Hairspray on Broadway. He was great! Since he left the show, the role of Mrs. Turnblad has been played by Bruce Vilanch (of Hollywood Squares fame) and comedian John Pinette. See any similarities? They're all kinda portly guys, just like Divine was. And... a little bit... gregarious shall we say?
Ok, so now they're making a movie based on the musical which was based on a movie (apparently they learned nothing from The Producers). So do they call on Harvey to reprise his role? Nah. Of course not. They hire John Freaking Travolta.
The above photo is an actual still from an actual movie that will actually be called "Snakes on A Plane." Yesss!
For those of you on the edge of your seats waiting for the highly anticipated Samuel L. Jackson thriller Snakes on a Plane (aka "S.O.A.P."), you're not alone. (C'mon... a mafia witness, Samuel L. Jackson. a plane & SNAKES! How could this not be a HIT?)
Thanks to impatient fans, an unofficial rough cut of the film has been created! Yay!
Actor Jack Wild has passed away tragically. But to me he'll always be a cockney kid in bright clothes named Jimmy who was best friends with a really whiny talking flute and an overly effemenate redneck dragon that thought it was a cowboy. In my office, I have the official HR Pufnstuf soundtrack (it's a 45) on a shelf. Man, I loved that show. (I even have a t-shirt from Nick-at-Nite's "Puf-a-palooza!") But of course then I watched it as an adult and thought... "My lord, what kind of drugs was I taking as a child? Was I totally insane?!?" (The answer is... probably.)
I decided to give these old audio recordings their own post... Co-written by Don Knotts, Arne Sultan and Marvin Worth, the monologues are mostly variations on Don's infamous Nervous Man routine (from Don's Steve Allen days) in different situations, such as a nervous sportscaster or weatherman.
A little side note... I met Don Knotts & his young wife at a wedding in 1994. An old friend of his confessed to me that ol' Barney Fife was quite the ladies man in his day... I didn't believe it, but one look at his wife and I was convinced. Go Barn, go!
Conan O'Brien & President Tarja Halonen of Finland
A no-doubt overwhelmed Conan O'Brien landed in Finland today. "There hasn't been anything like this seen at the airport since Paul Anka", said one police officer, referring to the teen idol's visit in the 1950s.
At this point, I don't even know what to say about the bizarre cycle of events that have turned Conan O'Brien into a freakishly popular Finnish cultural icon... it all just cracks me up to no end.
Oh my Gosh! I just won $1.98 and a bunch of carrots! I think I'll hug this crazy gay man with the handlebar moustache & bad toupee!
1970s icon, the Prince of Pandemonium Rip Taylor was named Las Vegas "Entertainer of the Year" three years in a row in the 1970s. Before graduating to confetti, Rip started by throwing things like string beans, marshmallows and peanuts at the audience, who ended up throwing them back at him. He turned 72 last month and if his website (including video blog) is any hint, he's as wacked out as ever.
Master Sensei Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink
Posted at 11:27:55 PM on February 11, 2006
Is your chi a little funky? Karma feeling down?
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is an energy drink as unique as the man who created it. It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks... Now available in Cherry Charge and Asian Experience.*
One sip and you'll be back to roundhouse-kicking coworkers through plate glass windows before you know it!
With this year's Super Bowl over and all of its advertising dollars spent, let's flashback to the scandal of last year, shall we? In the wake of wardrobe malfunction mania, the most controversial banned tv ad of last year wasn't about tank top straps.... oh no. Try again.
The offending spot I'm referring to was for Airborne, and featured a then-85-year-old Mickey Rooney's bare behind as he ran from a coughing woman in a coed (?) steamroom. Caused quite a scandal, too... he was even on the Today Show to discuss it.
Do you desperately miss the presence of Elvis' pelvis on this Earth? Well, you too can sign the petition to have Elvis Presley cloned. FYI, there's a suggested donation of $5.
I began last month with posts about dancing. What's this month's theme, you ask? Well thank you for asking. For no reason in particular, I shall be featuring tributes to a man who's now been dead for 29 years. Yep, it's... ELVIS! I shall be "T.C.B." by occasionally sharing tales of society's undying love for Elvis, people who live off of Elvis, and any other suitable Elvis craziness I find. Why? Because even after almost three decades there is just so darn much of it!
Have you always wanted to be a Klingon? Well there are websites to help you speak Klingon or just look like one. Work hard and you can even take part in the Klingon Summer Games. And if you just need help trying to communicate with a Klingon? Well, there's an online Klingon translator that also covers Romulan (Rihannsu), Vulcan, and Esperanto.
I really don't know why people give Britney Spears such a hard time for marrying Kevin Federline. After watching this video, I realize he just reminds me of guys I knew in college. Of course that said, those were guys that I wouldn't let touch me no matter how drunk I was because they were annoying as Hell, wouldn't stop saying stupid things, were perpetually unemployed, & never bathed enough. So on second thought, Britney Spears really has awful taste in men.
I'm too sexy for my strategically-placed sharpeis...
Say what you want about the Hoff, the guy is industrious (and a total spaz. Need proof?). Everyone knows how much Germany loves him... after all, he singlehandedly knocked down the Berlin Wall, for God's sake! (Or did he? Well, no matter.)
This guy's been lucky enough to make a lot of money by talking to a car, running in slow motion on the beach, having Sponge Bob Squarepants literally run up and down his hairy, aging body on the big screen and even, somehow, being allowed to sing and dance on Broadway. (He also has a lot of internet games dedicated to him, as previously noted.) Yes, life is good for the ol' Hoff. So what else is left for him to do but retire and grow old with his family? He's done it all, right?
I'm crossing my fingers for "may not"... a David Hasselhoff rap album is more than I can bear. I can't think of anything worse. Oh, wait... actually, I CAN!
Due to a fortuitous laundry mix-up, a pair of used briefs which once "took care" of Elvis Presley's "business" could now be yours. According to former bodyguard Sonny West, "Elvis wore tights under his jumpsuits because he had split his pants several times while performing. He wore this pair sometime in the mid-seventies."
So far no bidders, but bad-spelling may be the problem. They should try contacting this guy... I think he'd be interested. From j-walk
Wow, I'm not sure how this poster could suck more...
Production on Rocky 6 has actually begun, and to keep up with these modern times Sylvester Stallone has started a blog for it.
For those of you out of the loop, this is the sequel where Rocky valiantly searches for a decent retirement facility where treatment for all of his old boxing injuries will be fully covered by Medicaid. Should be riveting.
Seriously, in my mind the good news here is that the character of Clubber Lang is apparently going to be included in the plot. 'Cuz everyone knows that anyone who don't looove Mr. T is just full of jibba jabba. And I pity them. Because they're fools.
On January 14th, tickets go on sale for Lebowski Fest West 2006. I don't relate to being THAT obsessed with any movie, but I personally know of a few quote-spouting fans of The Dude who are probably pooling their cash as I write this.
One of the most popular sitcoms for bible study is The Andy Griffith Show. The webmaster of BarneyFife.com, an online inspirational study of the show, explains: "Obviously it is my opinion that The Andy Griffith Show was a very special series, but is it really suitable to be the basis for an inspirational study? Looking back, each show tended to have a good moral theme that was brought out by the story line. Basic values such as character, personal responsibility, honesty, and integrity were routinely exemplified by the show. I believe these characteristics to be uncommon for most television shows past or present." So there.
So with that in mind, what basic values could be learned from a bible study inspired by the catfightalicious prime time soap Dynasty? Well, as one "review" says, "the Alaskan King crab puffs were for which to die!"... and as everyone knows, the Lord loves a good crab puff.
Mamas, it's totally ok to let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys.
Posted at 11:12:22 PM on January 5, 2006
As the Oscars approach, Brokeback Mountain has momentarily brought a minority into the forefront of society. Gay cowboys are suddenly so hip, they've even been seen on eBay(although promptly censored) & have been prompting some clever parodies.
Not a gay cowboy but you think you might like to vacation as one? Then Gay Cowboy Travel is waiting for you! But be prepared... as everyone knows, the range gets lonely... so be sure to bookmark Fitzen.com and GayCowboyCentral.com, the internet's premier gay cowboy dating websites. Not that there's anything at all wrong with that. 'Cuz there's not.
Kiefer Sutherland, bad driver and drunken killer of Christmas trees
Ok, so it was the early '90s... I was stuck in traffic on Vine Street in Hollywood. The light turned green and I'm just hitting the gas when a black BMW speeds by from the parking lane and cuts me off from the right, forcing me to brake in a complete panic. Wanting to know what kind of &*%$ would do this, I sped up to see none other than a post-Young GunsKiefer Sutherland staring intently ahead from the wheel. And this was before cel phones so it was really just him being a jerk on purpose. Thus began my personal decade of Kiefer-loathing.
But hey, he's redeemed himself lately right? It was a long time ago that he was cutting people off & being dumped by Julia Roberts. He's got a hit show, a family, he's all growed up and mature!
OR MAYBE NOT. Well, unless you call attacking a London hotel's innocent 12 ft. Christmas tree & doing lame breakdance routines whilst undergoing near-alcohol poisoning* with his garage band... uhhh... "mature." And if you do, you're probably rushing Sigma Nu at Arizona State & not a 40-year-old man with 4 kids. Just sayin'.
*And you did this all while hanging out with & hitting on REPORTERS for the London Sunday Mirror!? Ooof, really bad call, dude.
Call me cynical, but I get the vibe this dolphin just marriedher for her money. He looks kinda shifty. Plus he goes by the name of "Cindy"... I mean, talk about a red flag! Wake up, lady!
Who knows, maybe we can look forward to a gorilla wedding sometime soon...
And while it's actually a little frightening, I also present... The Spanish Mr. T! Imitation is the sincerest form of... uhh... well, it's just kind of scary really.
Have you been missing the dysfunctional white-trash nastiness of Jerry Springer lately? Well if you find yourself in Britain, you can get your fix with Jerry Springer, The Opera (starring David Soul aka HUTCH!!! OMG!!!).
So they all dress the same? They're all related anyway?!
In my capacity as a respresentative of European stupidity I find it only fitting that I should start off with a bit of that most British of pastimes. Laughing at our Royal family.
To give you a bit of background to this, Camilla is the second wife of Charles, Prince of Wales (he used to be married to Diana but she dead). Charles is the next in line to the throne. This means that would be queen one day but since she is a divorcee, a smoker, and a bit ugly that has been declared unacceptable by the British public and most importantly, Charles' mother-in-law from hell, The Queen of England. Jeez.
The link below is reflective of the bizarre way the UK press and public treat these strange, over-priviledged people.
Side Note: if you want to see some really cool celebrity tabloid-themed artwork, you should scroll through the rest of 14's site. There's absolutely nothing stupid about it, I just really love her work so I thought I'd share. This one really cracks me up.
