Today is totally
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Shopping
It's good. And good FOR you.
Posted at 1:32:07 PM on September 20, 2006
Pretty on a shelf, it also builds strong bones!
Yes it's true. Amazon.com is selling milk. And boy howdy is it getting some GREAT reviews! (Although only 764 so far, not quite enough to form an educated purchasing decision.)
Here's one...
There are few gifts I like to recieve more than milk. Whole milk too. That's the kind of milk that says that it's real. It's right. It's whole. I want that milk to sit there for years because that's what you do with milk. There's nothing better than milk - well except maybe radishes.
But alas, everything is not bright and shiny in the world of Tuscan whole milk. It has also caused a great deal of heartbreak. As evidenced by this reviewer's dark & sordid tale...
My name is Zach, a former employee of Tuscan Dairy Products.
To understand why I'm writing this we must go into further detail of why I am not currently employed by Tuscan Dairy Products at this juncture.
My position at Tuscan Dairy Products was called "Container Control Specialist". Basically, my job requirements were to hold an empty one gallon jug while it was being filled with Tuscan Whole Milk.
I know what you're thinking, "DREAM JOB". You couldn't be more right.
At first my job at Tuscan Whole Milk was exciting and fun. Nothing pleased me more than getting up in the morning knowing "I'm about to see the most magnificent and wonderful substance on earth". All I could think about was Tuscan Whole Milk, and that is where my life started its death spiral into the Abyss of dank, musky and pure Tuscan Whole Milk.
From the beginning my wife was jealous of me. She loved Tuscan Whole Milk, as we all do. But something pained her inside when I would mention Tuscan Whole Milk. She was bored with her job at SuperCuts. Upon arriving at home each day she would say exactly the following "What happened at work today, and give me DETAILS?" She was crazed for Tuscan Whole Milk, much like a crystal meth addict. She longed for the thick, cold and ever so beautiful taste of Tuscan Whole Milk.
But the jealousy had gone too far. After fulfilling my duties at work, my supervisor Jim decided to let me go home early. This is where it starts. I arrived at my homestead with my usual 2 jugs in hand(s), only to hear a moaning coming from our master bathroom. Furious, I barged into the room only to see my wife... Her insides filled to the brim with Tuscan Whole Milk.
I immediately filed for divorce and left my wife.
I got an apartment closer to work so I could spend more time with Tuscan Whole Milk. I was on a slippery slope. I would drink nothing but Tuscan Whole Milk until I vomited. I knew I had a problem, and the first step was admitting it. I was addicted to Tuscan Whole Milk. Being bloated, feeling sick, excessive diarrhea, lung disease, and milk lips are all symptoms of Tuscan Whole Milk abuse.
I had to quit my job at Tuscan Dairy Products to stay away from Tuscan Whole Milk. I am currently working at Ned's Video on Auburn and Sunrise as the Video Tape Rewinder. Its part time and the pay is bad, but at least it keeps me away from Tuscan Whole Milk.
Please kids, be safe and limit your consumption of Tuscan Whole Milk to a gallon a day.
Ok, who couldn't use a Magic 8 Ball dressed up as pink Jesus!? Answer Me Jesus offers "20 different answers to help you choose the righteous path. Ask a question and turn him over the answer you seek magically appears. Your personal Jesus will respond with wisdom such as “Have faith”, “Yes my child”, or “Sinner.” So next time you are pondering one of life's many dilemmas find out what Jesus would do and repent no more!"
While wandering through Italy a few months ago, I found a great deal of entertainment from the discovery of the Calendario Romano... a calendar featuring the (I'm not kidding here...) hottest priests and holy men in Italy.
I thought nothing could top it. It was just too bizarre. I was wrong.
Hey ladies... better watch out! One look at these hunks and their mysteriously disappearing shirts and you might just need an autopsy... on your broken heart!
We are Pee&Poo! Escapees from the bathroom, we are entering the world on a journey filled with new adventures. Maybe we can stay with you for a while? No? Well then, buy some of our stuff!
My unabashed favorite still-yet-to-be-released Samuel L. Jackson reptile film has already inspired a lame, obviously unlicensed board game! You can pre-order your own copy now. Yay!
"Cobras in the Cockpit is a game based on a fictional movie where YOU play the SNAKES! Your objective: throw the plane into chaos! You will hiss, rattle, squeeze, and bite your way through the plane, earning points for each section you throw into chaos. But other snakes will try to stop you, so watch out!"
Everything you ever wanted to know and more than you even thought there was to know, about Plastic Army Men. Includes a stunning and compelling rebuke of "action figures" and why they will never be as good as plastic army men.
Sometimes people get really addicted to reviewing things on Amazon.com, and as I was shopping there tonight, I discovered one such individual (the gender is confusing on the reviews...). As I started reading the reviews... from the personal love letters to Drew Barrymore & Danielle Briseboise, to the idyllic 70s memories inspired by Sigmund & The Sea Monsters videos, to the descriptions of fabulous "MirrorVision" business ventures... all I can say is that this is definitely a unique human being with varied interests.
Garry has five pages of reviews so there's a lot to sort through, but here's a review of a book on advertising mascots.
Let's change the Morton Salt Add!-Cari Hixon, Garry Hixon, October 25, 2004 Let's put Rain pants on the Morton Salt Girl and etch much more rain all over the package. Let's get a real person behind the logo. Let's do away with the sundress and put pants on her, girls don't wear dresses anymore and never did. I am Cari Hixon,Garry Hixon and will keep pushing the issue until they take my new add! I'm hopping mad and until these corporate scums put the real Morton Salt kid on there, Me!-I will sue them in Civil Court by using my likeness and making millions that I never see!-Lets fix the Morton Salt add-Cari Hixon, I mean Garry Jr. The real Morton Salt face-drew barrymore-take that Rahmm and Hass-hello to my friend Richard Peabody and Andy Warhol(Campells soup)
Christopher Gregory wants to tell you his secrets to finding love. OK, actually not love. Really, he just wants to tell you how to sleep with strippers. Because everyone knows you'll never be a REAL man until you've impressed someone who calls herself Bambi Muffins (You know... that redheaded dancer at Jumbo's Clown Room with the tattoos and track mark bruises? Yeah, her.). And good ol' Chris has your back!
Seducing dancers will NEVER be such a struggle for you again! When you learn and apply the principles and practices of seducing topless dancers like I did, you will not only be successful at attracting all the dancers you desire – BUT – You will be a verifiable and well-known STUD in their world. And everyone knows that when you're a stud in the world of strippers? Total success in life is only a lapdance away!
For $2.99, you can get this great Confederate flag bottlecap necklace. Perfect for that sexy, classy lady in your life.
Think the South shoulda won? Have I got a store for you!
Confederate Warehouseused to only work with wholesale clients, but now they've opened a retail store for your shopping convenience. The variety of selection at the new Dixie Store is quite impressive really. Need some Confederate golf balls? Curtains? Tablecloths? Jewelry? Belt buckles? Flags? Playing cards? Flasks? Mudflaps? Hats? Underwear?
Personally, I think I'm going for this t-shirt. No, I'm not a marine. And I'm actually quite lean. Plus I'm very mean. That's why it's funny.
Three Kings! Jesus and Elvis and Dale in Eternity! Presley and Earnhardt reflect on their destiny! On a mousepad!
A photo of Jesus with Grandpa Bill already rests on your mantle. Is your decor now simply aching for a velvet painting, charcoal sketch or even a mousepad of Jesus and his celebrity friends? Well, here you go!(Although admittedly, they look more like photoshop collages to me).
Jesus and Elvis meet Diana and Mother Theresa at the Gates of Heaven! Jesus and Elvis holding hands somewhere beyond the blue! Jesus, Elvis, and Dale Earnhardt talking NASCAR! They're all there for your purchasing pleasure!
Master Sensei Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink
Posted at 11:27:55 PM on February 11, 2006
Is your chi a little funky? Karma feeling down?
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is an energy drink as unique as the man who created it. It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks... Now available in Cherry Charge and Asian Experience.*
One sip and you'll be back to roundhouse-kicking coworkers through plate glass windows before you know it!
This dress is Lydia's most popular. It's got a catchy name, too: Majestic Yochanan - God's Majestic Grace.
The choice of a URL name can make or break any internet business. It should be easy to remember and give people an idea of the services you offer. When seamstress Lydia of Purple chose a website name to market her "Modest Homeschooling Christian Clothing," I guess she figured she'd go for the latter & forget about that whole "catchy" thing. One out of two ain't bad, really.
Because it's just so inconvenient to have to lean back to have your hair washed, Sky Mall offers the hair washing contraption that allows you to sit just as you are.
Hi, I am Wing! I immigrated to New Zealand with my family about ten years ago from Hong Kong. I have been learning singing in New Zealand and I do performances in Rest Homes and Hospitals and occasionally promotional concerts as I go along.
I've been a dedicated fan of Wing's unique singing for many, many years. I've been on her mailing list since LONG before she had her own South Park episode. Listening to her always makes me strangely happy, even when some of the notes she hits cause a small trickle of blood to flow from my ears. It brings me joy that people have talked her into covering AC/DC. I just adore living in a world where Wing exists.
So IMAGINE my joy when yesterday Wing sent out an e-mail announcing the release of her new album... WING SINGS ELVIS!!! With me doing this whole Elvis theme and all, it feels like a gift from God.
So all of that said, may I now present... Wing singing "In The Ghetto." Life is so wonderful sometimes!
You're probably asking yourself right about now, "how the heck am I going to crack more nuts than my neighbors?" ... and the answer is either a Dynamic Nut Cracker or the Kinetic Nut Cracker, which is way more expensive but will shell 1,560 pecans per hour.
There used to be a guy who would sit in front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood wearing a tinfoil helmet. One day while waiting for a movie, my friends and I spent some time being enlightened by him in regards to how a well-made hat of aluminum foil is proven protection for the human brain from all forms of radiation and alien mind control. (A theory that's even been tested by engineers from MIT's Electrical Engineering and Computer Science department.)
After being in front of the theater every day for years, one day I noticed that tinfoil helmet guy had disappeared & never returned. I have always wondered if maybe he took off his hat for a minute one day & the inevitable happened...
Do you want protection from mind control but lack confidence in your ability to make a good, functional tinfoil helmet? Just buy one ready-made! And hey, don't forget to buy a couple more just for your pets. It's a proven fact... puppies that are under alien-mind control aren't half as good at fetching squeaky toys.
Reemco's "The Hive" effectively and organically deters another intruder.
Just in time for tax refund season, I've compiled a list of a few great products you can blow that big check on.
First up are Location Earth Dog Tags. Now, one trait of all these products that I've found is that each one serves a purpose. But the Location Earth Dog Tags may be the most important of all. If you find yourself lost in space, when you are eventually rescued by aliens, you will want the Location Earth Dog Tags, because they have a map back to our planet, which is Earth. The maps are designed so that anyone can read them, whether they be a member of a hyper-intelligent superrace of alien beings or just some jackass riding around in a spaceship who doesn't speak Earthling.
Next we have some sexxxy comforters that are great for your room in the frat house, your swinging bachelor pad, your room in the frat house, or, hey, just get creative! I'm not exactly sure who this product is targeted at, someone either teenage or male. Maybe both.
Well, a product we can all enjoy (dog lovers only) is the Bow-Lingual Dog Translator. Linked here is a review of it. This is a high tech piece of gear that converts dog barks into words so you can understand your dog. It's a version of the one that US Senators use to converse with Trent Lott, I think, and like most high tech things, this has been out in Japan for longer than it has here.
Finally, Reemco has the monopoly on weird crap that you can buy. The brilliance of Reemco is that if you spend more than fifteen minutes on their website, some of the stuff starts to seem like a good idea. I liked the Plumber's Shield, but my favorite item of theirs, by far, is the CDC Ebola Virus Outbreak Action Playset. I mean, I think it's time that we got kids started early in developing a healthy relationship with the Ebola Virus. Comments (0)
The Skin Bag
Posted at 2:53:21 AM on January 19, 2006
Put the lotion in the basket!!!
Oh, those crazy French people. They've got some wacky ideas. I think it's best to let them explain these products in their own words... so here goes.
Organic objects seamless, in synthetic human skin, Limited series, or on demand and made to measure. Skin-related Bags, Accessories and OverGarnments, a successful alchemy between the captivating and the repulsive for a sensuel fashion without complacency.
G o r e + C h i c = V e r y C h i c
SkinBag is presented like a mutation proposal. It is a type of discarded skin which retains an identity.
Straight from Monty Python & the Holy Grail comes this furry harbinger of doom. Cute, furry, soft, and completely deadly... It looks like a cute little bunny, but pull open its mouth to reveal its hideously deformed teeth. And if that’s not enough, squeeze its leg (if you dare!) to start its evil red eyes flashing.
There's no telling where some words come from... Well, for the most part, I'm guessing we will never know how some words came into origin. But I have come up with a clearly outlined history of the greatest word ever, along with definitions and a useful synonyms list.
It's 2pm and you still haven't left your cubicle for lunch. Wouldn't a tasty little cake cooked by the warmth of a lightbulb be scrumptious right about now? It seems like computers can do everything, but they sure can't help you when you're hungry... until now.
Due to a fortuitous laundry mix-up, a pair of used briefs which once "took care" of Elvis Presley's "business" could now be yours. According to former bodyguard Sonny West, "Elvis wore tights under his jumpsuits because he had split his pants several times while performing. He wore this pair sometime in the mid-seventies."
So far no bidders, but bad-spelling may be the problem. They should try contacting this guy... I think he'd be interested. From j-walk
Joe Bravo has become quite well known for his fanciful use of tortillas as a ground for traditional painting. His painstakingly-detailed artwork is particularly tasty with a little bit of cheese and some guacamole. Yum.
Sure, this clever calendar may be a restaurant promotion, but encouraging the eating of chicken by showing the heroics of noble cattle is sure a Hell of a lot funnier than making some fool in a dirty rooster suit & a garter belt pretend to pee on a couch on demand (Which he will. Ewww).
So what is this whole anal constriction therapy he speaks of, and will it really make you happy? Well the always enlightening Tokyo-based Rob Pongi decided to make a party out of giving it a try with his friends, and they definitely don't look depressed at all. So why not just go for it... buy the book and constrict yourself to happiness! Wheeee!
One of the most popular sitcoms for bible study is The Andy Griffith Show. The webmaster of BarneyFife.com, an online inspirational study of the show, explains: "Obviously it is my opinion that The Andy Griffith Show was a very special series, but is it really suitable to be the basis for an inspirational study? Looking back, each show tended to have a good moral theme that was brought out by the story line. Basic values such as character, personal responsibility, honesty, and integrity were routinely exemplified by the show. I believe these characteristics to be uncommon for most television shows past or present." So there.
So with that in mind, what basic values could be learned from a bible study inspired by the catfightalicious prime time soap Dynasty? Well, as one "review" says, "the Alaskan King crab puffs were for which to die!"... and as everyone knows, the Lord loves a good crab puff.
Our friends at The Smoking Gun have picked their favorite mugshots of the year... and they are very special indeed. But if you're craving even more arrest photos, I present you with mugshot mecca.
Just find out you're going to Federal Prison yourself? Well, just pretend you're preparing for a vacation overseas: buy a guidebook and consult with someone who's been there before.
With all of that quality alone-time, prison is a hotbed for creativity & introspection. Interested in what's on the mind of today's convict? Check out The Voice of the Imprisoned. If you're more of a visual soul, The Prison Art Project has all sorts of artwork for your collection. If you're a snob and only like your criminal artists to be of the infamous &/or executed variety however, then MurderAuction.com is the site for you. But one little tip? You're never going to get a girlfriend with THIS hanging on your wall.
On second thought, that statement could be wrong. See, there are lots of willing potential soulmates waiting for you over at PrisonerLife Personals, Meet-An-Inmate or the not exactly subtle Ladies of the Pen. And the good thing about dating someone in jail? You never have to wonder where they are!
Throughout the 70s I lived in a house with craft-obsessed older sisters, so I've been horrified by useless and fuglycrafting since early childhood.
Truth is, I'd just never seen many crafts that I'd actually want to OWN... well, not UNTIL TODAY! But now I'm ready to cover my apartment walls with cute homemade samplers! Yay!
Wow, I'm really just astounded by the quantity of stupidity that's finding me today. I don't have time for it, yet there it is! It's like a car accident... I know I should look away and go back to work... but do I? Nah.
So with that said, here's one of the latest scary things on eBay. Put your Visa down though, it's already been won. I know you're disappointed, sorry. Warning: if you're at work, you might wanna turn down your speakers.
Dirt eating, a largely taboo subject for years, is now going mainstream.
How do you eat dirt? An informative book on the subject is now out from Healing Arts Press titled The Clay Cure which provides you with a lot of good reasons to eat dirt. May or may not include recipes.
Where do you get some dirt to eat? Buy it online from WhiteDirt.com! This informative site for dirt eaters says that their white dirt has "a taste akin to the fresh way that the ground smells when it's real dry and a little sprinkle of rain falls".
It does raise the question: Are there any legitimate operations out there willing to turn dead pets into a hat? I for one would like to remember my cat by wearing her.
Do you love the ocean? Do you absolutely adore dogs? Well now you can share both of those interests with your loved ones by giving them the best Christmas gift EVER! Dog in a Shell!
This picture totally made the web site a little stupider.
Frozen Joe has a great idea. I think he's serious. Go check it out and support the living hell out of him, because this is the future, for real. I'll give you a hint as to what his site is all about:
It's unclear which is more disturbing, the idea itself, the fact that the site is mentioned as a "Cool Site of the Day" by What's On, or the Gold International Award received at the Invention Convention of 1997. Since the inventor doesn't have them for sale at the site, this uniquely unsettling link will prove quite handy in that regard.
